Keeping your kids out of the middle

After a breakup, talking with your kids' other parent can be one of the hardest parts. Old hurts come up fast. A simple text about pickup times can turn into an argument before you know it.

One goal can guide a lot of decisions: keep the kids out of the middle. They love both of you, and they shouldn't have to carry adult problems between two homes.

Talk to the other parent, not through the kids

It can be tempting to send messages through your children: "Tell your mom you'll be late." Even small messages can make kids feel like messengers in a conflict they didn't start. When you can, send logistics directly to the other parent instead.

Keep messages short and about the kids

When you write to your co-parent, it can help to treat it like a work email:

• Stick to one topic: schedules, school, health, or activities.
• Leave out old arguments and blame.
• Read it once before you send it, and ask yourself, "Would I be OK with a judge or my kids reading this someday?"
• If you're upset, wait. A message sent tomorrow morning is usually better than one sent angry tonight.

Some families find it easier to keep everything in one place, like a shared calendar or a co-parenting app. Others use email so there's a calm, written record. Pick whatever keeps things clear and calm for you.

Don't put the kids in a tough spot

Kids pick up on more than we think. Try not to:

• Ask them what happens at the other parent's house.
• Criticize the other parent where they can hear, even on the phone with a friend.
• Ask them to keep secrets from the other parent.
• Make them choose sides or decide where they want to be.

If your child brings up something that worries you, listen calmly, thank them for telling you, and then handle it with the other adult.

You only control your half

Some co-parents just won't cooperate. You can't control how they communicate, but you can control how you respond. Staying calm and polite isn't the same as giving in. It protects your kids, and it protects you.

If talking directly isn't working, or there are safety concerns, the resources below can point you to official help, such as court self-help information and family counseling. If you're ever worried about safety, call 911.